The Unexpected Weight of Success: A Journey Through Self-Doubt
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Chapter 1: The Burden of Achievement
Experiencing a good test grade can be surprisingly overwhelming. My journey through organic chemistry was a testament to this. It was a challenging course that demanded everything from me, yet it also offered significant rewards. The pursuit of knowledge in this subject pushed me beyond my previous limits, leading me to wonder just how many reactions and mechanisms I could truly grasp. Surprisingly, I discovered that I could learn a lot more than I initially thought.
After conquering my inner doubts and finally gathering the courage to retrieve my exam from my professor’s desk, I was filled with anticipation. My weeks of diligent studying and relentless practice had culminated in this moment, and my emotions ran high.
Instead of immediately checking my score, I began to scan through my answers to see what I had gotten wrong. To my astonishment, there were very few mistakes marked! Despite my ongoing self-doubt, a glimmer of disbelief began to dawn—had I really performed well?
To confirm my suspicions, I flipped to the front page to view my score. Standing amidst a bustling crowd on campus, I halted in shock. My score was outstanding, significantly above the class average!
The Aftermath of Success
That day, I floated home on a euphoric high. Knowing I had excelled was one thing, but recognizing that I had achieved this despite my anxious mind was something else entirely. I felt prepared and confident going into the exam, yet my thoughts had continuously tried to undermine those feelings.
Initially, I had intended to study for my next organic chemistry test that day. However, with my newfound success, I convinced myself that I deserved a break. Little did I know that this decision could lead to my undoing.
The Decline Begins
It took only a single day for my joy to begin unraveling. A creeping sense of “What now?” started to surface. After an exhausting journey to achieve a good grade, I felt strangely empty. I had invested so much of my identity into that one test; now that it was over, I was left wondering what to do next.
The original intention to prepare for the upcoming exam faded as I succumbed to a wave of laziness. Why put in the effort after achieving a momentous victory?
This unsettling combination of emptiness and lethargy created a perfect storm for disaster.
Escalating Anxiety
Days later, I found myself staring at the calendar, realizing I had lost nearly a week to confusion and anxiety. Despite having reached one of my academic goals, I felt a growing sense of aimlessness and panic. Time slipped away without my notice, and the looming deadline for my next exam intensified my worries.
My mind began to convince me that I would fail the next test. The fleeting success I had experienced felt like a fluke, and I feared I would fall back into my usual patterns of underachievement. Two successes in a row seemed impossible, especially when I struggled to muster the motivation to study.
Understanding Imposter Syndrome
The urgency of my situation prompted a realization: I needed to understand what was happening to me. Reflecting on my feelings, I recognized them as symptoms of imposter syndrome—a condition where high achievers doubt their accomplishments despite external evidence of success, as defined by BetterUp.
Once I recognized that I was grappling with imposter syndrome, everything began to make sense. The immense pressure I placed on myself had led to a cycle of self-doubt, where nothing I achieved felt adequate.
Finding Resolution
With time, I gradually rebuilt my self-confidence and learned to take pride in my achievements. I refused to let the fear of being a “one-hit wonder” dictate my future. Instead, I chose to embrace the momentum from my good grade as motivation for my next challenge.
I realized that I was indeed capable of repeated success, and the notion of failing again was nothing more than a mental hurdle I could overcome.
To everyone out there who feels undeserving of their accomplishments or believes that their success is mere luck, I urge you to remember: you are worthy. Even the most unlikely seeds can flourish into beautiful blooms through hard work, determination, and, most importantly, self-belief.
The first video, "I Will Not Let An Exam Result Decide My Fate", explores the emotional journey of students facing academic pressures and the importance of self-acceptance.
The second video, "SAT Practice Test 8, Reading (Solved LIVE)", showcases a live-solving session where the presenter tackles challenging questions while reflecting on the importance of preparation and perseverance.