Understanding Parental Struggles

Dear Uncreative Parenting,

It came to my attention through social media that you received some truly misguided advice regarding finding time for creative expression while managing parenting duties. I can only imagine how disheartening that must have been for you.

First and foremost, it’s crucial to acknowledge the challenging circumstances you’re navigating. You should recognize and celebrate the countless achievements you accomplish daily, creating a nurturing environment for your child.

I want to share some insights based on my own experiences. While I may not have all the answers, I hope to shed light on your situation. The feedback you received was insensitive, and unfortunately, it may not be the last time you encounter such opinions.

Let’s break down the advice you were given, line by line.

"May I offer you some tough love here? All I'm hearing is a bunch of excuses."

While tough love has its place, it’s not something you asked for, nor can you truly consent to it in your current situation. You provided detailed context, which could have guided a more empathetic response. Instead, the columnist, Doyin, dismissed your valid circumstances as mere “excuses.” Your real challenges are no more excuses than if I were to ask for advice on becoming an Olympic gymnast at 39.

The term "excuse" is often used as a thought-stopping phrase within positive thinking culture. Acknowledging genuine limitations doesn’t equate to a lack of positivity. Bernard Roth, in The Achievement Habit, states, "Many reasons are simply excuses to hide the fact that we are not willing to give something a high enough priority in our lives." Similarly, Rachel Hollis in Girl, Wash Your Face asserts, "When you really want something, you will find a way. When you don't really want something, you'll find an excuse." And Brian Tracy further complicates this narrative in Goals! by suggesting that simply stating, "I am responsible!" can liberate you from negative emotions. However, denying reality does not empower you to change it.

It’s evident that you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. That’s a fact, not an excuse. While there may be pathways to reclaim time and energy for meaningful projects, this cannot happen by dismissing the reality of your situation.

Limitations are not excuses; they are simply facts of life.

"Millions of parents across America pursue their side hustles in all types of fields — and many make money in the process. If they can do it, why can't you?"

First, this assertion demands verification. If Doyin intends to be condescending, she should back it up with actual data. Second, this statement neglects your specific request for assistance. You mentioned that before parenthood, you were a working artist. Now, you are seeking a few moments for personal fulfillment, not necessarily financial gain. Often, advice lacks the necessary context; yours was clear, yet Doyin overlooked it.

I know parents juggling side projects. Many are fatigued, their health suffering, and they carry guilt about the time spent (or not spent) with their children. Moreover, the burden of parenting and household duties often falls more heavily on women than men, complicating the ability to engage in creative work.

Lastly, suggesting that "it could require you to work on your passion while your baby is sleeping — even if you want to be sleeping, too" is misguided. Quality sleep is vital for both mental and physical health, and forgoing it should not be a suggested solution except in emergencies.

What you need is time for self-care, not a push to work on your passions during your much-needed rest.

"It could mean that your house will be incredibly messy so you can get some stuff done."

While I partially agree that compromising on cleanliness is essential, instead of letting your home descend into chaos, I recommend a more strategic approach. Assess your cleaning tasks: which can be done less frequently? Which can be skipped entirely for a while? Prioritize what truly matters, including your creative endeavors, which often fall to the bottom of the list.

"It could mean that you'll find a nanny or recruit a family member/friend to babysit so you can focus on your dreams."

When I started my writing career as a new mother, my circumstances were similar. My husband was working full-time, and I had no nearby friends or family to help. I used evenings to write, but you may not have that luxury. Such assumptions reveal a lack of understanding regarding financial and social realities.

"If you talk to any successful person with young children, they will share similar stories of the sacrifices they made to make it to where they are now."

What do we mean by "success"? The underlying belief here equates success solely with financial achievement and societal recognition. This perspective fails to consider success defined outside of neoliberal meritocratic terms. Framing basic human needs as sacrifices only reinforces the idea that self-care must be earned.

"It truly comes down to how badly you want it."

In reality, it doesn’t.

"In other words, are you window shopping on your dreams or are you ready to do whatever it takes to achieve them?"

What exactly are you trying to achieve? You’re simply looking for a few minutes to sketch, take photos, or write. This isn't tough love; it's misguided.

"Best-selling author Brendon Burchard said it best: 'Mediocrity begins the precise moment you swap the love for a challenge with the love of comfort.'"

Loving a challenge and valuing comfort are not mutually exclusive, yet our culture often fails to recognize this. We idolize entrepreneurs who sacrifice their well-being for success but overlook the value in living a fulfilling life on simpler terms.

Desiring rest and comfort is not mediocrity; it is fundamental to being human. It’s difficult to embrace challenges when you’re experiencing burnout.

"Great people do hard things, and I hope you'll step up and accept the challenge to live your best life."

Who defines “greatness”? You may dream of showcasing your art in prestigious galleries, but that doesn’t equate to greatness. Much of what we consider greatness is tied to recognition and accolades. Yet, true greatness exists without public acknowledgment.

Living your best life may simply involve putting your child down for a nap, enjoying a sparkling water, and reading a novel. Or it might mean skipping housework and opting for takeout to carve out time for creativity.

Uncreative Parenting, your struggles are real, and your desire for time to engage in meaningful activities is entirely valid. You face genuine limitations, and that’s incredibly frustrating.

Here’s the guidance I wish you had received:

1. Triage Your Responsibilities: It’s easy to assume everything is urgent, but you can relieve some of that pressure.
2. Think Small: Your creative pursuits don’t have to be all-or-nothing. Perhaps daily sketches are more feasible than long oil paintings.
3. Share Your Feelings: Communicate your struggles with your partner, friends, or a therapist. Don’t hide your distress; sharing it can provide relief.
4. Don’t Feel You Must Earn Your Creative Time: Your ability to create is inherent. It may differ from before, but you don’t need to sacrifice personal well-being to access it.

To all those who find themselves in difficult circumstances, the response to Uncreative Parenting is just one example of the negativity embedded in positive thinking culture. This is unfortunately common. I’ve seen similar rhetoric across various platforms, and I acknowledge that I, too, have perpetuated such messages.

Barbara Ehrenreich, in her book Bright-Sided, writes: "Positive thinking may be a quintessentially American activity, associated in our minds with both individual and national success, but it is driven by a terrible insecurity."

I empathize with Uncreative Parenting and others who resonate with their struggles. But I also extend compassion to Doyin, whose response reflects the insecurities Ehrenreich describes. The underlying sadness in such advice often stems from personal self-doubt.

Insecurity and fear are understandable emotions in today's world, but they cannot be overcome through sheer will or positive thinking. Instead, we must work through these feelings to find peace and rebuild a satisfying life. I may not endorse blind optimism, but I remain hopeful about the potential for satisfaction.

I'm all for hard work and planning for a positive future. I encourage strengthening personal agency and resilience. Yet, we all deserve rest and support. Our limitations and circumstances should be recognized, and we need guidance that acknowledges our challenges and celebrates our achievements.

Reject unhelpful advice and don’t pass it on to others.