Background Insights

I entered the world in 1947, the first child of Bette and Jack, followed by my brother Bob 21 months later. By the time I was three or four, my parents had divorced. I have no recollections of my father, despite having many photos of us together.

My mother had an affair with a man named Larry, who was also married and had a son, Ira, who coincidentally is just a week older than I am. At five, my mother married Larry, while Ira lived with his mother but spent weekends with us. Jack was completely absent from my life—no visits, calls, or letters. This absence would become another chapter in my story. When I turned 21, I sought him out, and we established a relationship that lasted nearly 50 years until his passing at 93.

Bette decided we would adopt Larry's last name, presenting him as my father despite knowing the truth. When Ira and I met new people, we would clarify, "We share a father, but not a mother."

My home life was challenging, as Larry was both physically and emotionally abusive. I was a quiet, respectful child, yet I couldn't escape his aggression. I often tried to hide from him, only to find myself at the receiving end of his wrath.

Bette worked as a legal secretary, while Larry ventured into running a newspaper delivery service and vending machines. In my neighborhood, I was unaware of any other kids with divorced parents, and it was uncommon for mothers to work. Bob and I took on household chores, trying to find solace in the fact that we were learning skills other children lacked. We referred to our peers as "The Helplesses," who struggled with simple tasks.

My yearning for a "normal" family, like those portrayed on television shows such as "Ozzie and Harriet" and "Leave It to Beaver," weighed heavily on me.

In the summer of 1962, when I was 15, Larry was hospitalized due to cancer and passed away in October. Despite his abuse, I felt a sense of loss, as my vision of a dream family disappeared. Bette, Bob, and I relocated to an apartment, and only years later did I realize how fortunate I was that Larry's passing occurred when it did.

I often lamented my lack of the family life I longed for. However, at sixteen, a transformative thought crossed my mind: although my childhood family was not what I desired, I could create that family in the future. While I couldn't be a child in such a family, I could become the father in one. This realization uplifted my spirit and motivated me to move forward.

These foundational experiences serve as a backdrop for the stories I'm about to share, illustrating the mindset that propelled me ahead.

Name Transformation

I never liked the name my parents chose for me; it sounded displeasing when paired with my stepfather's surname. At 16, I took my first job at a soda fountain, lasting just a week. I used my earnings to buy a cocker spaniel puppy, which I named Sandy.

The following summer, while shopping, I saw a key chain featuring a cocker spaniel. I wanted "Sandy" engraved next to it. When the clerk asked for my name, I hesitated and just gave the initial "J." She interpreted it as "Jay," which she wrote down. I liked it and decided to adopt it as my new name. I still possess that key chain from 1965.

Transitioning from high school to college felt like the right moment for a new identity. At college, I would be known as Jay. This change was seamless, as most people were meeting me for the first time, except for a few high school acquaintances.

With family, however, it was challenging. I stood firm against anyone calling me by my old name and eventually, they accepted my new identity.

The Welcome Freshmen Opportunity

That summer, I received a booklet titled "Welcome Freshmen" from the State University of New York at Oneonta. The last page contained an application to run for freshman class office. I filled it out and sent it in, determined to run for class president!

This decision marked a significant shift from my high school persona, where I was shy and solitary. I envied how effortlessly others made friends. I aimed to change that in college, starting with my campaign for class president. I greeted as many new classmates as possible, ensuring they remembered me.

By the end of orientation, while others discarded their name tags, I kept mine on. I learned as many names as I could and greeted classmates by name at events and in class.

SUNY Oneonta had a predominantly female enrollment due to its background as a teachers' college, which worked to my advantage since I found it easier to engage with girls than boys. I was anxious around boys, having little interest in their favorite topics of sports, cars, and girls. Additionally, I was beginning to realize my attraction to boys, which was a complicated situation in 1965.

Classes began, and when election time arrived, I found myself running against a charismatic candidate who seemed like a Beach Boy. To my surprise, I was elected freshman class president!

My preparation and self-advocacy had paid off, providing me a significant psychological boost that carried me through college and beyond.

Student Teaching Experience

As my senior year began, I started my student teaching in Cooperstown, home of the Baseball Hall of Fame. My mentor, Mrs. Veronica Reynolds, intended for me to observe her for a week before gradually taking over her classes. However, on the first day, she fell ill, leaving me to teach all her classes without a substitute.

When Mrs. Reynolds returned, I expressed my desire to take on more responsibility. I suggested she observe me instead, and from then on, I taught most of her classes independently. This unexpected challenge was empowering and invaluable.

Relocating to San Francisco

My first introduction to California came in the 1950s while watching the Mickey Mouse Club, which featured updates about Disneyland's construction. As I entered college in New York, I became weary of the cold climate and longed for a place without snow. I decided on either San Francisco or Los Angeles and reached out to school districts in both cities.

Once again, my planning paid off; I received a response from San Francisco, inviting me for an interview with a recruiter in New York City. I landed a job during the interview, securing my future before many classmates had even begun their student teaching.

As the school year ended, I returned home to pack. My mother, calm and composed, did not seem upset about my move across the country. She asked, "If I cried and begged you to stay, would you?" I replied, "No." "Well, I thought I’d spare myself the stress," she said. She was right; I was moving forward for myself, not against her.

Empower Yourself

These experiences unfolded between the ages of 18 and 22. In retrospect, they may seem like small steps, but at the time, they were monumental decisions. I can't pinpoint where I found the courage to change my name, run for office, seek out my father, assert myself with my mentor, and move across the country.

These actions empowered me to advocate for myself, pursue my desires, and strive to become the person I aspired to be.

How about you? Are you feeling empowered?

This TEDx talk by Karen Furneaux illustrates how to empower yourself to achieve your best performance, emphasizing the importance of self-belief and action.

In this inspiring video, discover three essential keys to empower yourself, offering transformative insights that can change your life.